I think back on the time when I used to feel happy & carefree, now I know the reason was you, as that's disappeared with you.
Losing a mother means losing the origin of life, and you were so much more to me - a guide, friend, travel companion, opposition who let me win all arguments & a big inspiration. You were my co-pilot on all my adventures & challenges.
Losing your unconditional love has brought me an amount of pain that can drown me, but my mother didn't raise me to be so weak. I am a representation of you, you will always continue to live through me.
I promise to honor your wishes, to never let you down, to embrace your values, and take our secrets to my grave. Love you Mom ❤️ see you on the other side!
So this is what it feels like when the worst fear comes true. In a moment, it felt like the land below me was swept off my feet and I fell into a deep hollow space which had no bottom. That was the moment I lost my mother. The pain of loss is immense as hell but along with it also comes new realisations. Life changes completely without mom. How you perceive everything in the world changes. With pain and weakness, there’s also strange sense of strength as I realised I’m on my own from here on. At first, even though pain and shock were at its peak, I was still in denial. After 15 days came a whole new bolt of pain and grief when it began to sink in that she was never coming back. I have now also realised it won’t end here. This is not a loss where you can cry a whole day and move on the next. This is a loss that I am going to carry throughout my life. I can feel my future taking a whole new direction as I would choose to do a lot of things differently now.
She was a person who I began my life with and now I can feel my origin and a big part of my life lost along with her. It would be an understatement to say how solely I was dependent on her, now I find my emotions and conversations incomplete, and feel like I’ve lost my way. Whatever happens, good or bad, big or little it was her I used to share it with. She held so many roles in my life, a life coach, a friend, a travel companion, a secret-sharer and many more. I am so thankful for many many many beautiful memories shared with her, travelling, taking on new adventures, trying new cuisines, shopping, binging shows and movies. We always understood each other even when the whole world didn’t. So ironically, my mom is the only one who can get me out of the pain and emptiness I’m going through right now.
Even during tough times, we were always there for each other, comforted each other, wiped each other’s tears, and took care of each other when we fell sick. COVID was a very unfortunate sickness that affected mom at the most unpredicted time. My grandmother was first contracted with the disease and we remained in self-quarantine. We were still not very shaken as my grandmother was asymptomatic but took required precautions. Yet, after 12 days, my mom and I also ended up with the disease. I faced mild symptoms, however mom unfortunately took the worst beating. And it all happened so fast. The most traumatic moment I faced was undoubtedly when I learned my mom was no more. But there were other moments too that I will never forget – taking my mom to the hospital all by myself in the middle of the night when her spO2 dropped all of a sudden, roaming around from one hospital to another in the ambulance, listening to the doctor say there is not much hope left, getting an emergency call from the doctor, my last conversation with mom and getting a feeling something wasn’t right. But in all of these situations, what gave me the strength was knowing that I could never give up on her.
I am thankful that my dad and I had each other to rely on during these tough times. Also, thankful to my mother’s doctor who could get us an ICU bed, something none of the helplines could help us with. Thankful to my family and friends who gave me the words of courage when I needed the most.
The last conversation I had with her was on Mother’s Day, when I wished her and she wished me back, joking that I had been playing her mother lately. After we lost her, my dad and I were allowed to see her one last time, but I didn’t have the courage. At first, I regretted not saying goodbye, but then I thought, according to Schrodinger Cat experiment, since I didn’t open that box, I can choose the reality where she’s not really gone. For those who are going to object my theory and say I need to accept the reality, none of us know what the real reality is.
Whatever I am today, is because of my mother. My values and believes come from her, I am a representation of her. Hence, she’ll continue to live through me. Love you mom, death can’t even do us part!
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